If I have to explain the apple, I hate you.

Just kidding. I don't care what you want if you're male.

Okay, maybe I care, but only if I like you which is not likely. I don't like very many people. Being liked by me could almost be taken as an insult, because if I like you, you're probably an asshole like me. I recently completed a transcription concerning the Catholic Church and the Eucharist. I'm now convinced Jesus was a zombie. Braaaaaaiins!

And of course does any of this even remotely relate to "Top 10 Things a Man Wants?" No, not really at all. I just tricked you into reading this shit thinking you were going to learn kinky stuff. I did watch Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love two nights ago. There wasn't any kinky shit in it either unless you count a maid servant pulling a bed sheet off a fully clothed king with her teeth. Sorry, sometimes you get deceived into believing you're going to read or see something you aren't. It just happens. Like getting an email from your long-lost pal Ron, John, or Amelia and it's really a Viagra ad.

Oh yeah, and her artist lover got his head stomped on by an elephant at the end of the movie. (I'm assuming you aren't going to bother watching it and won't mind spoilers.) I really hope that doesn't happen to all artist lovers. I've been seeing an artsy guy for a couple of months now and I would really prefer his head did not get squished by an elephant. That would suck. More for him than me, but it would still suck.

At least we know her lover will not come back as a zombie. That requires braaaaiins that aren't squished all over the pavement. That crazy hunchback would probably be a freaky ass zombie always popping up when you want to see his ugly ass least. The queen did try to slit one of her wrists. Zoooombie. But the maid girl turned courtesan saved her. What an asshole. You sleep with her husband and then you save her. Fuck you! No wonder your lover artist got his head stomped on.

But seriously, Jesus is a zombie. I've thought this before. He dies, then resurrects. We eat of his body and his blood and we become infected as well. We're resurrected body and soul. Just saying. Scary thought. Even in Revelations it says the dead will walk the earth during the time of reckoning. Hello? Zombies? Anyone else see this?

I'm worried about eternity now. When I die, I want to stay dead. Head casket please. And of course, a final political message for all of my readers:

Remember, shotguns don't kill zombies. People kill zombies.

This weekend, being the fabulous mother that I am, I took my son to see How to Train Your Dragon in 3D. I will say the 3D part was leaving something to be desired, but then again, I have actually been in an IMAX. To C, the 3D experience was most likely mind boggling.

What I was honestly most impressed by was the story. (Spoilers ahead, by the way!) It started fairly stock with the kid who has a stupid name and just doesn't fit in in his society (Vikings). Hiccup definitely falls into the 'nerd' category which was an instant win for my heart, but as I said, a fairly stock predicament.

Hiccup is not the warrior that the rest of the village is, but he is bright and inventive and creates projectile weapons that don't require much physical strength. Ultimately, his ingenuity allows him to down a dragon no other Viking has ever defeated or even seen. Here's where the story gets interesting for me.

When Hiccup downs the dragon (named Toothless from this point forward), he injures the dragon's rear wing, completely disabling him from flying. Rather than killing Toothless while he has the chance, he shows him mercy and thereby begins a kinship with dragons (the sworn enemy of Vikings). As the bond between Hiccup and Toothless grows, Hiccup works with Toothless to help him fly again with the aid of a prosthetic wing he fashions.

In an interesting twist, the pair work together to save both Vikings and Dragons thus ending the war between them, but Hiccup loses a foot in the battle. Our two war heroes are now both missing a left limb. Needless to say, Hiccup adjusts quickly with the help of his dragon friend.

I found the obvious attempt at war veteran awareness an interesting choice. It isn't something we see frequently in mainstream media, but is it making a comeback? Earlier films that have coincided with wars such as WWII and Vietnam placed some emphasis on the importance of welcoming home our heroes returning less than whole with a very recent example in Avatar. I strongly believe this is saying something very strong about our current engagement in the Middle East. We are seeing soldiers frequently return home minus one or some of their appendages.

It's startling to me that it has come to the point that we must begin adjusting our children to the idea of regularly seeing men and women missing an arm or leg through mainstream media indoctrination. I, of course, feel our children should be prepared to be sensitive to the situation. (I believe every parent has THAT story where their child encounters for the first time someone that either has missing or mangled limbs. It can be a bit embarrassing when they point and yell, "He's got no feet!")

I guess the overwhelming reality of our current situation is just hitting a tad closer to home. But, the lessons learned are as follows:

• It is possible to fly missing a wing. (See: One Wing Isn't Enough)
• Flying through life on one wing is always better if you have a good wingman.

Starting this Sunday, The Cabbage will begin bringing you a weekly review of movies and television worth noting. Hope you enjoy. Delicious.

Zombieland
Honestly, I've been waiting a while to get this one in from Netflix. I typically love zombie movies and the only thing better than a scary zombie movie is a funny one. Shaun of the Dead sets the standard for the zombiedy and I anticipated Zombieland being on par.

I was surprisingly disappointed. Zombieland had the feel of Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist with a bunch of zombies thrown in. (I didn't like Nick and Norah that much by the way.) I believe Zombieland will appeal to lovers of Indie flicks, but doesn't do zombie lovers many favors.

I will say some of the kills are creative, but not creative enough to save it from an "Eh" from me.


Spartacus
Rob Tapert and Sam Raimi (and that other guy who isn't as important) never let me down. They brought us Xena, Hercules, and Legend of the Seeker. Now, they do a girl a really big favor and bring her gladiators with gratuitous ass, balls, and penis shots. There's plenty of tits for the boys too. I have to say I love the opening disclaimer about the massive amounts of sex and violence you're about to view in order to suggest an accurate portrayal of Roman society.

In regards to the content, it will hold you riveted. You follow Spartacus from his beginnings in Thrace to his and his wife's capture and enslavement in Rome. Will he and his wife be reunited? Will he become the Champion of Capua? How many times can they say Jupiter's cock in one episode? Not to mention the 300-like blood splatters...

Jupiter's cock--YES!

Weeds
I've recently finished the fifth season of Weeds and I'm eagerly anticipating the sixth. The fourth season left Nancy on precarious terms with her drug lord, mayor boyfriend and fifth continues to drive home her uncomfortable spot. Just as we think her family is falling apart, they pull together with the exception of Uncle Andy.

I found the sudden explosion of love for Nancy from Andy to be a little forced and almost seemed like they were reaching for a new angle. Honestly, there were enough angles that this new one wasn't really necessary. However, I still don't care for Nancy's new husband. He's just too el macho for such an entrepreneuring woman.

Nancy, please pull through in the sixth season and show him who really wears the pants in drug dealing.

RepoMen
For fans of Repo: The Genetic Opera, be prepared for disappointment. It's flattering that Hollywood tried so hard to mimic the cult success of Repo, but it was arrogant to think they could deviate so far from the plot along with a total cop-out of an ending and be successful. I love Jude Law, but I'm not even going to waste my time searching for a picture on this one.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
At first I was a bit skeptical, but I enjoy The Guild immensely and of course enjoyed the overtures of Repo. Felicia Day always has my vote! So, I decided to check out Dr. Horrible when Netflix suggested it.

I've already watched it twice in the past couple days as well as exposed C to its awesomeness. (He voted nay, but I'm not sure he's quite old enough to appreciate it yet.) Up until the end, C was actually enjoying it. Without spoiling the ending, I will say the it is somewhat unexpected and a smidgen depressing.

The musical numbers will get stuck in your head and you can't help but root for Dr. Horrible to succeed. However, at what cost will Dr. Horrible get what he wants?