Climax and Crash

As many of my loyal followers may realize, I was supposed to have my jaw surgery on Tuesday. Clearly I did not since I am lucidly publishing a post (hopefully) with no errors! Over the last year I've been patiently awaiting and planning this with the month of December being my goal and thank goodness I was not planning to return to grad school next semester. (Originally, I was planning to be returning to school in 2012...) As time grew closer, the anticipation has only been building with mixed feels of excitement and nervousness.

Now, I have no clue when the surgery will actually occur, but it is most likely after the holidays and will mean me missing an entire pay period (plus) for prep and recovery. If it had occurred during the holiday season, I had my holiday bonus plus a week of paid vacation time to use for my recovery. Now, I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do to compensate for the missed time from work. I've already missed egregious amounts of time this year in preparation. It also means an extended leave from my second job tutoring. I'm honestly stuck in a pickle, and I'm not sure my surgery will be an option for me after everything I've done.

It sucks. I've talked myself up for a year telling myself how everything will finally be resolved in December of 2011. Now, I'm probably going to have to cope with the possibility that the facial structure I have is the one I will have for the rest of my life. I'm sure this sounds fairly simplistic to most, but it really is not.

It's an easy thing to be confident in the less tangible things such as our intelligence or personality. Intelligence can be confirmed by tests and personality is highly subjective. If someone doesn't like your personality, it's easy to say screw 'em. It's also much simpler to change if you decide you don't like yourself. (Simple in the fact that it is in your hands to change rather than someone else's. I don't intend to belittle the intensive self-work it takes to change yourself.) Your looks? Sure, you can work out, eat right, but what you've got is what you've got.

What I've got is called a malocclusion (underbite). And sure, I'm a cute enough girl. I'm probably luckier than a lot of people in the looks department. Deep, deep, deep down inside I kind of know that, but only on a logical level based on the empirical evidence gathered over the years from peer response. Self-image is a shaky and fleeting thing. "How do others perceive me" is a harder question to answer than, "Who am I?" It's not something that can be figured out with self-reflection alone. Personally, I've always been somewhat puzzled by it.

I'm definitely happy that I no longer look in the mirror and see my struggling smile marred by crooked teeth. I'll always be happy with that, and if my surgery never comes to be, I'll eventually recontent myself with my current visage. However, I've spent a year preparing for a physically better version of me. I've been poked and prodded and the places where too much of my gums show in my smile pointed out. Careful notes have been taken of my non-ideal facial structure. Not to mention, chewing becomes more and more of a public humiliation as my bite remains uncorrected.

There are a ga-zillion medical reasons why I need jaw surgery, but the reason that resonates with me the most is the mental calm that will come with knowing my face is the best it can be short of a total reconstruction. (It's me and  my looks, simply adjusted!) There's piece of mind that will come with a clear idea of how I'm physically perceived. I also just want to have it over with. I'd really like the steel mill removed from my mouth.

All I can do right now though is wait. And wait some more. And struggle with the most efficient workers in New Orleans to get my surgery rescheduled.



  1. Anonymous24.12.11


    Must say I love watching your videos, you seem to be a very funny and cheerful girl, curious about your cast, I cant hear very well and so am not sure if you has said the reason for the cast but did understand that you saiod you would have to wear it for three months which seems to be twice the normal length, must be reall ackward with no thumb to grip things.

    Happy Christmas

  2. Hi there!

    Thanks for the comment. I mentioned the reason for the cast, but didn't go into a lot of detail. I broke it the night of my birthday on a punching bag. It's one of the worst wrist bones to break, and I narrowly avoided surgery. It's quite awkward!

    Merry Christmas to you as well!

  3. Anonymous18.1.12


    Thanks for your reply that I have only come across now. Hope you are managing and are not in any pain and well enought to do another video which all of your followers are waiting on.

    Take care even if its a bit late