My Mistake, Your Error in Judgment

It seems as though each week’s events carry a theme. I’m glad whoever is in charge of the universe has the time to set a theme for each week of my life, but I wish they’d pick something a little more entertaining like Hawaiian Shirt Week or New Heel a Day Week.
I won’t say this week’s theme didn’t lack in entertainment value, but my sense of humor has long been established as warped. To be honest, I had a moment where I almost let it make me sad, not really for myself, but for the world--mostly women.


Holy pussy farts, Batman. Women are stupid.


After all the slams I've posted against men, I think it's fair of me to even the score. I promise I think all people are equally prone to unintelligence, and this blog promises to leave no woman behind. Especially when in many instances, it is our own errors in judgment that motivate male behaviors.


What prompted this moment of enlightenment? Being nagged online by a friend's girlfriend who had logged into her boyfriend's email account to see what he had been up to.
  1. Initial Issue: If you trust your significant other so little that you find it necessary to log into his email account, leave. Relationships are built on trust. Trust is built on a history of reliably trustworthy behavior. Clearly something is askew.
  2. Major Issue: Attacking the female he's been chatting with. (I will insert here there were no breaches in the friend line as could be shown by chat history.) This, I find, is misplaced anger and energy. I like to be efficient. It makes sense logically to me that if there is a problem with your significant other it should be directed toward said party. Of all involved, they are the only party that holds any obligation to you. Therefore, they are who should be held accountable for their actions.
  3. Underlying Issue: Believing having a significant other in some way socially, morally, or spiritually elevates you above others of your gender. Here's where men play the hell out of us, ladies. Can you really blame them?
Of course given there were no indiscretions, no one should truly have been held accountable for anything. I will, however, allow that my friend knew his current girlfriend was a controlling, psychotic bitch with no self-esteem and should have been aware that holding a conversation with a single female would be against the rules. (Hey, if you pick it, you gotta stick with it.) I, not being in said relationship, can speak to whomever I want and am not accountable to anyone but myself and periodically my mother. Logical enough, correct?

Nope, guess who got called a slut in response to sending a message which read:
so far i haven't heard back from him today about if we're even meeting up soo.... it might never bemore than a fantasy anyway. [sic]
Yes, I'm trying to steal your boyfriend by discussing my potential date with someone else. It's the best line ever for seducing men. Hey, I know this guy younger and hotter than you. I think we're gonna go out, maybe hit it. Why didn't someone tell me I've been doing this all wrong?


Of course she made herself feel morally superior by informing me she's found love, whereas I have not--making me a life failure. Perhaps I found something more elevating than loving a man I can't trust. It's called self-love. I've got tons to share. (Background on said girlfriend: She's in her 30s and has never held a job more elevated than bartender and is currently on unemployment. Yes, I'm the life failure because I have yet to find a man to suck dry. Pun intended.)


Where is my motivation and ambition?


Of course my week of psychotic girlfriends does not end there. I make no secret of the fact that I have and still do try online dating from time to time. I generally find it more amusing than productive. I will say, despite my vein of pessimism and distrust, I try to assume if a guy is on a personals site, he's single. I know the world is full of liars, cheaters, and prostitutes, but I like to give a fair chance before I write someone off as one of those three.


My super seductive message to my online potential:
Very nice that you come with your own clone. So what do you do in health care?
This was sent in August. I gave up on a reply until at the end of September when I received:
 i kill people, i fake as a nurse then kill them. I good at faking. I have had a girlfriend, who i live with, the whole time ive been on this site. please do yourself a favor, and meet someone in the real world. This is not reality and never can tell who your dealing with, dont be so pathetic. [sic]
I won't begin on the grammatical errors which made me cringe and almost hope he ran for the hills. Needless to say, I didn't feel a moment of female bonding where I felt intense empathy for her pain and suffering. I was actually confused for two run-on sentences before I hit the next comma disaster insisting I do myself a favor. If I had a soul, I probably would have shaken my head and left it, but this was too easy to knock out of the park:
Well, first off, you would have seriously had my empathy should [you] have stopped with the first two lines. (Regardless of your inability to type a coherent sentence.) However, you did not stop there, as if, in some way me messaging your boyfriend (having no idea he was taken) online gives you some right to insult me. If this were not reality, I don't think you'd mind so much, but it is in fact real! Wow, what a surprise. I am also in no way pathetic. I have a rather strong hunch that I have probably accomplished far more in life than you have, including a mastery of English grammar.

So maybe you should be more careful about who you move in with. You never know what they are doing behind your back in reality. Don't be so pathetic and desperate to get serious with someone in real life!
She didn't even take the opportunity to call me on my own shit and point out the missing word. (If you're going to call someone on their grammar, you have to be ready to bring your own.) In addition to the masterpiece she sent me, she also changed portions of his profile accusing all females who unwittingly messaged him as being home wreckers. No, she did not turn on the spell check that is built into both Chrome and Firefox. She must have been using Explorer.


But here is where we go back to the three points. Trust has been destroyed, leave. On your way out, expend your energy on kicking him in the balls and stealing his flat screen television. Forget the 'other woman.' I promise Lifetime in HD will be more gratifying than an online cat fight. However, if we never stop believing having a man is better than having a plasma TV, we're really not going to get very far are we?

Candid Cabbage

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