Top 10 Things a Man Wants

If I have to explain the apple, I hate you.
Just kidding. I don't care what you want if you're male.

Okay, maybe I care, but only if I like you which is not likely. I don't like very many people. Being liked by me could almost be taken as an insult, because if I like you, you're probably an asshole like me. I recently completed a transcription concerning the Catholic Church and the Eucharist. I'm now convinced Jesus was a zombie. Braaaaaaiins!

And of course does any of this even remotely relate to "Top 10 Things a Man Wants?" No, not really at all. I just tricked you into reading this shit thinking you were going to learn kinky stuff. I did watch Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love two nights ago. There wasn't any kinky shit in it either unless you count a maid servant pulling a bed sheet off a fully clothed king with her teeth. Sorry, sometimes you get deceived into believing you're going to read or see something you aren't. It just happens. Like getting an email from your long-lost pal Ron, John, or Amelia and it's really a Viagra ad.

Oh yeah, and her artist lover got his head stomped on by an elephant at the end of the movie. (I'm assuming you aren't going to bother watching it and won't mind spoilers.) I really hope that doesn't happen to all artist lovers. I've been seeing an artsy guy for a couple of months now and I would really prefer his head did not get squished by an elephant. That would suck. More for him than me, but it would still suck.

At least we know her lover will not come back as a zombie. That requires braaaaiins that aren't squished all over the pavement. That crazy hunchback would probably be a freaky ass zombie always popping up when you want to see his ugly ass least. The queen did try to slit one of her wrists. Zoooombie. But the maid girl turned courtesan saved her. What an asshole. You sleep with her husband and then you save her. Fuck you! No wonder your lover artist got his head stomped on.

But seriously, Jesus is a zombie. I've thought this before. He dies, then resurrects. We eat of his body and his blood and we become infected as well. We're resurrected body and soul. Just saying. Scary thought. Even in Revelations it says the dead will walk the earth during the time of reckoning. Hello? Zombies? Anyone else see this?

I'm worried about eternity now. When I die, I want to stay dead. Head casket please. And of course, a final political message for all of my readers:

Remember, shotguns don't kill zombies. People kill zombies.

Candid Cabbage

5 comments:

  1. Wow, that is a good write. I especially love the zombie jesus bit.

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  2. Nice post. I'm speechless... :(

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  3. Nice post (I'm speechless) you need to wake up a grow a pair Empayarutama go play your final fantasy and hope they sent you a pair nuts when you beat that game.Why don't you look around at other religiions and see what they perceive as the truth and form your own option.Ok I feel Bradita on the fact that jesus is depicted as a zombie in the bible but as far fetched that maybe the dude could have accually been an alien.I mean come on mary was a virgin I call bullshit unless she was impregnated by an alien that would explain jesus's supernatural powers.Because according to the bible joseph hadn't hit it yet.To me it's the most logical excuse.Also I sugest you educate your self on the Mayan's,Aztec and other ancient cultures.Pay special attention to the temple's that the egyption's and aztec temple's that where built thousands of years ago but are so precise that even the best bulider's and arcitechs in the world would have troble being this precise.In peru there is a mountain that has been flattened just like a run way.The people that live there produce art work and ancient atrifact's that resemble modern air planes.This can't be ignored.We need to be open to every form of religion and any explaination of how we came to be.Dam I just relized that I attacked someone for no reson at all I appoligize what ever your name was.Fuck get to a point a Greg.Ok just make sure that what ever you belive that it's what you belive and not what has been forced upon you by your parents friends ext. Do the research and come to your own conclusion.

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  4. Unfortunately, I've been a bit distracted lately and haven't been updating/replying to comments. :-/

    However, as a woman I don't feel the need for a pair of nuts. My intellectual/spiritual balls are so fuckin big I don't need a pair. This is probably why I remain single. I seriously don't need or want a pair.

    I have actually researched and read many things about religion and have concluded for myself that I am staunchly Agnostic. My leanings are generally Christian most likely due to my upbringing, but I am open to other beliefs and very much believe there is something "other" than just us humans. However, some of this is due to finding traditionally Christian tales in writings such as the Aeneid and the Epic of Gilgamesh. Essentially, there is a common thread through all of the world's major religions.

    As for aliens, I made no reference to those nor am I very interested in them. Zombies on the other hand are much more interesting to me. I like zombies. This is why one of the major tags used in my posts are zombies. They are scary and make for great comic relief all together which is generally the goal of this blog--a touch of humor/sarcasm.

    If you were in some way offended by this, then obviously you don't get my sense of humor and as a writer I am genuinely sorry you didn't get the intent of my creation. It means I have failed as a writer to make my intentions clear. However, in response to your comment on another post, it is possible you simply miss the point because you are one of the dudes I was complaining about. You interpreted my poking fun at girls that give in and the guys they give into as me giving in. I'm not sure that could be gathered from a clearly satirical post unless you are one of the guys that take advantage of those kind of girls--especially since you ask me to 'hit you up.' If you weren't one of those guys and read that post and interpreted it as you did, you would not have found giving in to be an attractive quality in me. Then, you equated not giving in as a sort of cock tease rather than self respect. This says to me that you are one of the very guys I'm poking fun at and we probably wouldn't get along. I mean, you already don't get my sense of humor and that constitutes a major failure in communication between two people. Communication and understanding is an important building block in any relationship, and so I will have to politely decline your invitation to 'hit you up.'

    I am very well aware that once you read this, you will probably decide that I am a cunt or a bitch which is fine. You're entitled to your own opinion of me just as you're entitled to your own beliefs about Jesus and aliens.

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  5. Anonymous3.8.11

    OK I'm gonna have to plead temporary insanity on my previous statements since I don't really remember writting ether one of those comments.Now looking back at the time and date's it was posted I think I understand.Some people do drunk dail's or I guess with cell phone drunk text's.Well apparently I do or did drunk blogging.Since I can't take back what was said all I can do is man up to it and ask for forgiveness(what would jesus do).I was never one to run and hide from my actions and I'm not about to start now.At least I appoligized to EmpayarUtama for the attack really didn't mean it.That tells me that some form of who I really am was still buried somewhere down deep beneath all that booze brain BS that I was writing. Even though I'm a little embarassed about writing that I'm very glad I got bored today and decided to go threw these posts because I recently gave up drinking and this confirms for me that it was the right choice even though noone was hurt by this it tells me that I can be a real asshole when I get drunk.I mean really I treated this page like my own personal virtual bar room I tried picking up on someone and tried to start a fight.I would also like to say to Brandita no I don't think your a cunt or a bitch no hard feeling at all I do get your writing and your humor/sarcasm.I think I wrote what I wrote to provoke a response for you so in that aspect I would have to say mission acomplished just sorry it had to be in that way.So once again I'm gonna say sorry to the final fantasy guy for the attack and sorry to brandita for attacking one of your readers and your self respect.

    Sincerely
    Greg

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